I Will Succeed.

So with the help of my friend I was able to track down my first blog from 2012. The blog was filled with depressing posts. If you think the things I post now are depressing, that blog was way off the deep end. I was going through cutting, my accident, hating my family, wanting to move. Those times seem like a lifetime ago but maybe 3 years ago or so. Really not that far. And yet I have come so far from back than. I no longer feel the need to self harm. Big accomplishment from doing it for so many years. I still remember my accident like it was yesterday but I do not let it define me. I still hate my family but at least I no longer have to deal with them. And I moved. I made the big change. I no longer have to suffer because of family or be ignored by them. I moved away, they can’t touch me. I can be me. Granted, picking up and moving to a completely new place without knowing a single person is a lot harder said than done.

I’ve gone through heart surgery and being homeless 3 times to being exiled by family, if you think that I will let my problems stop me now than you are sadly mistaken. I will succeed. I will make it.

“I don’t know where I’m going,
but I know where I’ve been
And it’s never in the nowhere
It’s in the not giving in
And when the Earth is slipping, tripping
Right underneath our feet
Remember we’re that not finished”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaFhTYPFG1Y

Stones

Today turned into a day that I was not expecting. I woke up and was getting ready for work until my mom came in and was basically laying on ground in pain. So I had to call out of work and take her to the hospital, granted we had to take a bus to the hospital vs taking an ambulance. We get to the hospital and she gets all hooked up with IVs and it got me thinking. I am the one that use to hospital visits and IVs. It was scary seeing her in this position. I rather be in that position than her. I was telling her on the way to the hospital that she wasn’t allowed to have anything serious happen to her because she is all that I have. That part alone is scary. Now that I no longer have my grandma, my mom is literally the only family I have left in this world. Scary. The world is a big place and I have one person. Turns out my mom has kidney stones. So relieved it was just that. They said it was small enough for her to pass on her own but big enough that if it doesn’t within 48 hours than to come back. They gave her pain medication and some prescriptions.

As we were sitting on the grass waiting for the bus on the way home we were talking and she was feeling pretty great from all the pain medication. She told me that if something happened to her, that she at least has my brothers number to call. I told her I didn’t want too. And I wouldn’t, if something serious had happened to my mom. Why would I want to contact family that doesn’t even want to stick around for the good? She had said that my grandma was the one piece holding us all together and now that she is gone we have no attachments to anybody there aka family. I told her that made me feel free. I honestly don’t dwell on things my family has done to me back home. I kind of have accepted it and moved on. I don’t see any reason to reach out when I wasn’t the one sending threatening emails, I wasn’t the one attacking someone when they were down. I was there without question for anyone that needed. I thought family was suppose to stick together through thick and thin. Be there for one another no matter what. The ones that I am related too, I don’t consider family. They are just strangers that I grew up with it. I don’t care if I never speak to them again and at this point that will probably be the case. I don’t care if I never see them again. What they did is something a family should never do. I haven’t spoken to my brother since maybe 2012 when I told him to grow up and start acting like an adult. I haven’t spoken to my dad since 2013 when I first moved to Colorado when he said some nasty words regarding my mother and I. At any given time either of them know how to reach out and they haven’t so with that said I won’t either.  Maybe if I ever meet someone here they will come from a big loving family and overtime can become my family too. I wish I could just pick random pick that I’ve met and make my own family. But that would be kind of weird. “Hey you are an amazing person, Can I adopt you as my aunt and so on and I can come over for holidays and we can celebrate like how families do in movies. I’ve always wanted to be a apart of that”.

The only family I have in this big world is my mom and I am okay with that.

Summer

“There’s no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people – for home to be wherever you lay your head.” -Lana Del Ray

This is the first summer where I won’t have to worry about where I am going to be sleeping. I don’t have to worry about if I can afford a dollar to get something to eat. I don’t have to worry where to park the car in order to get some sleep so I don’t get a fine. That was my first summer of moving to Colorado. Sitting in the car sweating from the heat, not knowing where I was going to end up the next night.

I also don’t have to worry about coming home to dealing with drug dealers. I don’t have to worry if the roommate is stealing my stuff while I am at work. I don’t have to worry if my food has been gone through. I don’t have to worry if the cops will be at my house the next morning from my roommate overdosing and growing drugs in the backyard. That was my second summer here in Colorado. (Last year).

This summer is going to be different because I am making it different. I have an apartment. I have a roof over my head. I can buy my own food. I don’t have to worry about drugs or if anyone going through my things. Granted I don’t have a car right now or any furniture. Baby steps though, I am at least making progress.

I feel like this summer will make a big difference in my life. In June, my best friend from Chicago is coming to visit for a few days. I haven’t seen her since last year when I was able to scrape enough money together to go be in her wedding. It was a bittersweet moment being back in Chicago. I half grew up in Chicago with my yearly visits to my Dad’s house. I didn’t contact my dad while I was there. Though I did reach out to two members of my step mom’s family because I was close to them. I wish I could have visited my half sister and brother. Though they are still to young to understand why my Dad & I had a falling out. I hope one day they will understand and still want to be a part of my life. My dad has every opportunity to reach out to me at any time but of course not.

In July, I am going back home to Maryland to visit my best friend. I am super excited to be spending a whole week with her. I feel like going back to Maryland will be another bittersweet moment. I promised myself I would never be going back to that place but since it’s where my best friend lives than I will make that sacrifice. If only my grandma was still around, she would be the only other person I would want to see. I kind of hope I run into some family while I am there just to give them a big shock specially since I received threatening emails from them when I first moved to Colorado. They told me to never come back and for laughs I would love to see there faces. But we shall see how that goes.

This summer will be different. I am ready for a good summer.

Cut?

I began self harming when I was only 16 years old and a freshmen in highschool. I had gotten the idea from watching a movie and with everything going on I decided to try it? From 16 to about 18 I continue to have this secret under my sleeves that no one knew about or even guessed. I guess you could say I was good at hiding things.

Then the night before my accident, I remember crying in the shower because I was so tempted to go back into that life style that I had quit for a couple of years. I’m glad I didn’t do it that night. Can you imagine going into the hospital for a stroke and then having all these cuts on your arms. Definitley not something that would have been easy going into.

Last year though on my 24th birthday, it happened again. With all the family drama that was going on..I needed a way out. That was my escape. And the sad part was I didn’t even regret it after all those times of being strong and that I finally caved in..I didn’t care. I felt like it was something I had to do to get through my situation.

I guess now I am bringing it up because it has been waying on my mind recently. I have my tattoo “hope” on my wrist as a reminder that I can get through this but lately I would love nothing more to then just have that relief of that feeling. Even if it was just for a moment. I want it. I am too good at hiding how I feel and most people don’t even know the things that are on my mind. If I didn’t have this constant reminder on my wrist of hope. I probably would have done it by now though it would be a lot harder with my mom up my ass 24/7 thanks to our lovely situation but I don’t know.

I just wish life was easier..

Strong?

What does being strong even mean? I have friends and people tell me all the time, that Im strong for all this. How does this make me a strong person? Is it because I havent tried to kill myself because of all this. Ive thought about it. Does that make me a strong person now? I cant end my tragic life yet, the two most important people depend on me. My dog and my mom, without them I cant really say Id be strong enough to deal with this.

 

Sometimes

Sighs.Sometimes, I wonder given my certain situatiom if I should even go out and try to meet people. I usually dont share my living situation just because its just complicated.  Ive been trying to go out, meet different people just so I.can escape from everything going on in my life at the moment. But knowing I got attached to someone just sucks. Maybe I should just stop trying till things settle down here. Ive always been the one to take of my mom or to be there to pick up my friends. Is wanting to be taken care of or rescued so wrong? Is it wrong of me given my situation to hope for that one day? I know I have a lot to offer but gosh meeting some good people in Colorado would sure be nice right about now.

 

Long Day

Today has been so long that just rewriting it feels like ill be reliving it again. Sighs. We stayed at the park for most of the day. Even got a good looking farmers tan, guess thats going to be my tan for the summer.

Im truly thankful for my friends in my life. Most are all offering to help and I couldnt feel more blessed. My whole family walked out on me as my.friends have become my real family.

On another note, how did I get this idea about blogging and or cyber begging? Ive heard of several success stories of people starting from so little and working there way up. Ive always loved to write and I figured I would mine as well try. No harm in trying right? Ive had to pawn my school computer and mostly everything I have. All I have is my phone, so sharing my story is my outlet.

I Wonder

I wonder what it is like to have a big family that cares about you. That calls to check in on you and hear what is going on in your life. When I hear others talk about how family is the most important thing to them, I cant help but feel a little jealous. Why couldnt I have had that. Instead mine is busy trying to destroy the other and to see who gets back at who. I hope that my future boyfriend/husband comes from a big welcoming family to help fill the empty hole my that destroyed my so called family. Until then, this is the only family I have left in this world.